hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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