you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
