I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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