Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
