Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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