Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
