glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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