here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
