Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
