Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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