There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
