True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
