My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we made out on top of his cat.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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