That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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