This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
