i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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