I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
