I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
