I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
