I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
