last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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