if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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