i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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