i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
