I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
