Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
