were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
