I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
