Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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