my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
