my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
