The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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