my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
