dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
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