I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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