and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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