Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
