I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
