i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
