Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
