Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
