Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
