I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
