i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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