Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
