Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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