in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
