He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
