I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
