it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
